Les Yeux

His eyes, the silent cyclones
I tried to have a close look at
and I could not escape the
fathomless depth of his being.
I swam restlessly to find the
shore of denial, to set free of
this dilemma looming on me,
daring me to embrace change.
I was lost in a strange comfort
yet I didn’t want to face reality
until the waves my emotions
washed me and said, “It’s him.”

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Cariad

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How can someone love me so much,
in his senses and also in his sleep?
How can someone want to be with me
so much, in happiness and in despair?
How can someone long for me so much,
like a child longs for a sweet gesture?
How can someone believe in me
so much, more than even I myself do?
How can someone wait for me so much,
like a wisher waits for a shooting star?

Sanctimony

When the branch of a tree breaks
and falls hard onto the ground,
you don’t laugh at the tree and
call it names, “Damn, you’re clumsy!”
“Wow! You’re utterly careless!”
“You don’t know how to take care
of yourself. Stop being an idiot.”
You don’t curse or ridicule the tree
for not being able to protect itself
from the moments of misfortune;
then why do that to humans?

What if…?

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There’s one thing that always stays
in me, looming like the summer haze
the probability of “what will be…”
“what may,” and mostly the “what if…”
 
What if what I find meaningful today,
loses its weight in my eyes, as I open
those one morning after a deep slumber
into the dubiousness of this strange life.
 
I am scared when I have to think of:
the departure from my own purpose, 
from the meaning that it adds to my life
from the human being that it makes me. 
 
Yet, despite the horror and the fear
I seek, I relish, in the meaningfulness
I breathe and feel its fervor in my lungs;
I reminisce ‘was’, I live ‘is’, I await ‘will’.

Self-Acceptance

“Why don’t you smile, Aprajita?”

“Did you go through a tragic experience?”

“Hey, why is it that you have to try so hard to smile?”

These were the questions that I grew up with. The answers to which I didn’t want to confront for a very long time in my life because I knew how much that process affected me.

I knew I loved smiling, giggling, laughing and even making a fool out of myself for that matter. Well, who doesn’t?

Until I was in my late teens, I used to smile but I made sure to never open my mouth when doing so, I used to laugh but covering my mouth with my hands.

Despite my happy emotions asked me to crazy at times, I always held myself back. Even when I smiled or laughed, I quickly got back to my normal state because I didn’t want to embarrass myself.

Then at one point in my life, I met a girl called Prativa Ghimire. We happened to be friends in a coaching class. She observed me cover my mouth while laughing, many times.

One day when I was about to do the same, she caught my hand and stopped me, “I’ve noticed you do that often. Don’t! Maybe you’re conscious because of your crooked teeth but it makes you look beautiful. So, show it often.”

Although those words didn’t seem to be be so powerful back then; when I reflect back at my life today, I realize how that episode changed a self-defeating perception that I had nurtured for long.

That day and the days that follow, led me towards understanding one of the biggest lessons of my life, the importance of ‘self-acceptance’.

Most of us, consciously or unconsciously are in wait of that Prativa to tell us that we are perfect, the way we are. But, just take a moment to imagine – if we learned how to accept ourselves right from the beginning in our conscious lives, we would make the process of living so much simpler and joyful, wouldn’t we?